Russ “Morrus” Morrissey and Peter Coffey ask for user submitted skits (or “sketches”) on the Morrus’ Unofficial Tabletop RPG Talk podcast and in fact will perform them. 

I submitted the following piece, which they in turn performed on Episode #35 – Sci-Fi Games with Ed Jowett. (This is in fact the second time they’ve accepted one of my skits, the first was Not Your Garden Variety Giant Spider)

Enjoy the insanity 🙂 

Now That’s What I Call A Sanity Check

Cthulhu RPG Veteran #1: OK rookie, let me see what you have on your character sheet so far.

[momentary pause … ]

CRV #1: Oh for the love of… you’ve got everything in Strength and Dex!

Cthulhu RPG Veteran #2: A classic mistake, youngster.

CRV #1: One easily avoided, however. Not the end of the world, just keep in mind Worlds of Lovecraft is more of an investigative game with lots of atmosphere than your garden variety hack-and-slash dungeon crawler. That’ll keep you sane in character creation. Heh heh.

CRV #2: Yeah, just look at this sheet (dismayed sigh). Listen, you’re not going to be hacking and slashing through unending SHOGGOTHS with a big manly two-handed sword at this table. The occasional insane cultist guarding a gibbering, whispering horror from beyond mortal ken, maybe, but they’re not really the main threat.

CRV #1: Have a revolver or better yet a tommy-gun handy for those insane cultists. (musing) Revolver if you need to reuse the robes for a bit of sneaking.

CRV #2: Right, I do love a bit of sneaking into the main sacrificial ritual right before the climax! Ah, don’t look at me like that, rookie. This isn’t that game of Dragonhawk Chronicles you’ve been playing with your schoolmates. You knew that, right? No epic war of good versus evil and fancy-schmancy tormented emo mages and their iron-thewed brothers here.

CRV #1: I mean, just look how low this Power attribute score is. Shameful.

[momentary pause … ]

CRV #1: By Derleth’s inkpot, what do you MEAN why is the Power attribute important if it’s not hack-and-slash???

CRV #2: The rookie’s just confused, that’s all. Look, in Worlds of Lovecraft, see, Power isn’t like brute strength or fuel for magical missiles, it’s your inner resolve and charisma and whatnot.

CRV #1: Your mental resilience and spirit. That’s not why it’s important, though. Here’s why it’s REALLY important! The higher your Power, the more SANITY POINTS, rookie!

[momentary pause … ]

BOTH [Stunned & Flummoxed]: What do you mean “what are sanity points”???

CRV #2: Look, Pete, just sit back and breathe for a moment, you know how you get. Not his fault, we were all young once.

CRV #2: In this game the point isn’t to win, you see, but to survive for as long as possible against the inevitable doom of unspeakable elder horrors and unseeable colors from space that everyone can see…

Pete [aka CRV #1]: (Usually look like purple, actually.)

CRV #2: …and tentacled slimy fish people that will suck out your soul (if you’re lucky).

CRV #2: You’ll either die a gruesome, mind-numbingly horrible death just about the time you’re really getting a handle on your character, or, more likely, go absolute batscat whackjob starkers nuts from all those dread sights and horror that are infinitely beyond a sane mind. Just a matter of when the big straightjacket from underneath reality comes for you, really.

[momentary pause … ]

CRV #2: What’s that? Is great, immersive storytelling the point, then? Solving the unfolding terrible mystery in time to prevent the final horror? NO! No, look…

Pete: It’s to go out as spectacularly as possible, rookie.

CRV #2: Oh, by Howard Phillips, the man is right! Having your hair turned instantly white by the susurrations of an elder, sentient white dwarf star breathing directly in your mind would be the bottom of the scale, mate. That’s kid stuff.

Pete (wistfully): Why, I remember one time I lost all my sanity and drove that stolen lorry full of clanking bottles of degrading nitroglycerin down a busy high street, cackling like a loon and aiming for kittens. Except I don’t know why there were so many kittens. Maybe they were something else. Never found out. The crater, you know.

CRV #2: It was a nice crater as craters go, but P’SHAW! You call that failing your sanity check? I remember the time I thought I was great Cthulhu himself and exulted in menacing a fear-struck crowd of helpless victims with my uncountable tentacles. Oh, Cthulhu had been called that night, mate! Turns out the crowd was insane cultists, and the tentacles were all those ropes with nooses I was wearing, them being tied to leering, moldy stone gargoyles in that ancient castle and all. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall that night if you’ll remember, Pete! Except the fall was abruptly halted in the “neck” of time , ha ha!

Pete: Nice one, Bill, but fairly amateur, sorry to say. You remember that time I became one with all space/time and gained ultimate unutterable knowledge, but was in fact going completely, indescribably cosmically starkers while in the loo reading the Necronomicon?

Bill aka [CRV #2]: “Amateur”, indeed. That certainly qualifies, and barely at that! Why, do you remember the time we were on top of a skyscraper in 30’s New York City, when Spooky Simon wanted to run us through some more “Yank stuff” like he calls it? I took one look at AZATHOTH rampaging through Times Square, simultaneously pulled the pin on my grenade and popped it into my mouth like a tasty metal pineapple before executing a perfect swan dive off of the roof with a big stupid grin on my face, exploding spectacularly in a blossoming flower of fire and gore exactly half way to the busy street below.

Pete: Ha ha! Great times! Bet those pedestrians were wishing they had their umbrellas that night! You see, rookie…

Bill: Wait, where’s he going? He took his bag and everything. And he had the snacks!

Pete (you can hear the dismissive shrug in his voice): Ah, who knows? Kids these days. Listen, do you remember that time at the Mountains of Madness when…