Shane usually ends the Shane Plays Geek Talk podcast with a bad joke (AKA dad joke), one because he’s in deep smit with a bad joke (and yes we mean bad) and two because he wants the world to share in his misery.
Collected here for your mental pain (but admit it, you love them, too) are each episode’s* bad joke. Many of these are related to the geek theme of the respective show’s topic, but many are just general use bad jokes. Enjoy!(?)
*page updated periodically
THEY’RE NOT SO BAD THEY’RE GOOD. THEY’RE JUST BAD. AND YOU LOVE IT.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
No bell… that’s why I knocked!
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Cool, okay, knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you doing partaking in such terrible jokes?
What happened when the hot dog made a movie? It became an Oscar weiner.
Why did the vegan hot dog cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken.
How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef
Why did the shark cross the reef? To get to the other tide
What kind of bread do zombies eat? Whole-brain.
Why don’t zombies eat comedians? They taste funny.
What do you get when you mix a transformer with a cow? Optimus prime rib.
How do you annoy a skeleton? You can’t! Nothing gets under their skin.
My favorite word is “drool.” It just rolls off the tongue.
What’s the coolest letter in the alphabet? B – it’s surrounded by AC
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.
Did you know if you flip a canoe over you can wear it as a hat? Because it’s cap-sized.
Why couldn’t Homer Simpson make guacamole? Because he forgot the avoca-d’oh!
What video game system does Homer Simpson play? Ninten-doh!
How much does a roof cost? Nothing – it’s on the house.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy? Add spring water.
What has a metal head and sits in a rocker? Destro’s grandmother
How do bovines do math? With a cowculator
When’s the best time to buy a bird? When it’s going “CHEEP”!
Why don’t The Avengers use The Hulk to advertise? I mean, he’s essentially a giant Banner.
Why did the Borg cross the road? To assimilate the chicken
The only weakness Superman has on the internet is… krypto-currency
What do you call a one-legged hobgoblin? A hopgoblin
If you’re going to date an extraterrestrial, make sure it’s not a Klingon. They have a very hard time letting go
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? HDMI
How do you know if your magic sword is blunt? It starts critiquing your form during combat.
If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?
An apology written in dots and dashes is re-morse code.
“GOOD, BAD… I’M THE GUY WITH THE JOKE.”
What’s green and loud? A froghorn.
Why are frogs rarely angry? They eat whatever bugs them.
I just bought a limousine and found out it doesn’t come with a driver. I can’t believe I spent all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
Why do paladins wear chainmail? Because it’s holey armor.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A neck-tarine
What do you call a cow that plays guitar? A moosician
How do you protect against the heat of a fire bolt spell? You turn up your AC.
Why did nobody trust the low dexterity wizard? Because he cantrip at any moment
Why were the Dark Ages a thing? Because there were so many knights.
What did the astronaut cook in his skillet? Unidentified frying objects!
If a hippo rolls a nat 20 on an attack roll does that make it a hippocrit?
Why does Freddy Krueger wear a hat? He ran out of scare spray.
What do Italians eat on Friday the 13th? Fettuccini Afraid-o
What is the least popular show on Bajor? Keeping up with the Cardassians!
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device.
What do you call a magician that’s lost his magic? Ian
I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
What kind of art does Aquaman prefer? Water color
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
A human, an elf, and an ork walk into a bar. The dwarf laughs.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? They both have “the” as their middle names.
What do you get when Bigfoot walks in your garden? I don’t know. Squash!
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I may be a typo.”
CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE JOKES OF BAD!
I tried to sneak in a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor. The security guard suspected I wasn’t the real McCoy.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Why does Santa Claus have a garden? Because he loves to hoe, hoe, hoe.
What do you call a weak barefoot druid who’s been cursed with bad breath?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
Why did the necromancer’s wife leave him?
She didn’t want to raise kids.
Whovians? Nice people as fan groups go but they really have no concept of time.
What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE!
Why did the Sarlaac spit the wookiee out? He was a bit too Chewie.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, while the other is a little lighter.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why did Godzilla not eat that hotel? Why? He was trying to cut down on suites! Also: If you watch Godzilla backwards, it’s about a benevolent lizard that helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the sea
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up would they be alloys?
Beware the weregoat for they are baaaad.
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space. Actually, that’s a terrible joke, only three stars.
Remember, when you are being attacked by a party of clowns… Go for the Juggler.
Why can’t Rogues learn other languages? Because Thieves Cant.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the police, come out with your hands up.
How come there ain’t any knock-knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know but the flag’s a big plus.
I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
What does Optimus Prime transforming have in common with a redneck divorce?
Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer (I hope you found that semi-amusing)
If I could be any superhero, I think I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
And the Bad Jokes continue…
A human, a dragonborn, and a halfling walk into a bar. The dwarf had darkvision.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purrrple!
How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree? Wave to him.
How did the Vikings communicate? By using Norse Code.
Where do most superheroes live? Cape Town.
Why is it hard for Necromancers to get elected? Too many skeletons in their closets.
How do you measure the radius of an enchanted forest? Find the centaur!
Why does the USA need so much defense? It only has 1 Constitution.
I started walking around without shoes and it sort of became a hobbit.
A weasel walks into a bar. What’ll ya have? asks the bartender. Pop, goes the Weasel.
What does a new Tesla smell like? Elon’s Musk!
You’re still here??? Wow, you must really be a glutton for punishment — -er, I mean Dad Jokes…
Q: What are Vulcan eyeglasses called?
A: Spocktacles
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead squid in my soup!” “It’s not dead, Sir. It’s just dreaming.”
Necrotelecomnicon: the book of dead phone numbers.
I decided against doing a bad joke this week, after a lot of thought it just felt dicey (Polyhero Dice episode)
Did you hear about the war between dwarves and gnomes? It was the shortest war in history.
What did the dwarf say to the elf in the tavern? I’d buy you a drink, but I’m a miner.
The Star Wars text crawl walks into a bar. “Get outta my pub!” the bartender yells. “We don’t serve your type here.”
What’s green and has four legs and can kill you if it drops on you out of a tree? A pool table
I wanted to start the New Year off on the right foot so I lifted my left leg when the ball dropped.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you hear about the guy who’s job it was to crush Coke cans all day? It was soda pressing.
What do you call it when Cyborg clobbers the bad guys? Tech-knuckle support.
Superman is SO strong… He doesn’t have triceps. He has succeedceps.
Why was Caesar upset with his cell phone plan? He didn’t like the Roman charges.
Why don’t skeletons ever go out for a night on the town? They’ve got nobody to go with.
Why is camping so much fun? Because it’s in tents
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs
Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
Did you hear about the banker that changed careers? He lost interest.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies
Bad jokes, bad jokes, come get your dad jokes…
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy? Because he was too far out, man
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison, love you
Why did the pony need a glass of water? Because he was a little horse
Which knight designed the round table? Sir Cumference
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get crowned
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who just escaped from prison? There’s a small medium at large
How does Sonic knock on a door? With Knuckles. What if Knuckles isn’t around? He RINGS the doorbell.
Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why was baby Superman the only kid at the playground? The sign said SUPERVISION REQUIRED.
What happens when Batman is late to play baseball with Robin? There’s a Wayne delay.
The Star Wars text crawl walks into a bar. “Get out!” the bartender yells. “We don’t serve your type here.”
Why does Father Time have to wear protective gear? Because day breaks and night falls
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself that’s a little condescending.
Three fish are in a tank. One of them asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”
Why did the rooster cross the road? To cockadoodle dooo something!
What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!
Here comes some more! They’re so bad, they’re good! OK not really, they’re just bad…
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
The Joker movie was just confirmed to have an R rating. That’s good because without the ‘R’ it would just be a Joke.
Let’s hope Elon Musk never gets into a big scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many,” I said. “That one is a freebie.”
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “Graaaaaaaains!”
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.
Why did the vampire need a mint? Because he had bat breath.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling very well.
What did the doctor say to his patient that wanted to do his own stitches? Suture self.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was driving down the road and turned into a field.
Credit: Peter Coffey on Morrus’ Unofficial RPG Talk podcast
The invisible man and an invisible woman got married. Their kids were nothing to look at!
I once held the door open for a Bard. It was a nice jester…
What do you call Iron Man without his suit? Stark Naked!
How do Green Lanterns recognize each other? They all have a familiar ring to them
Why did the minotaur go bankrupt? Because he kept charging things.
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.
And doesn’t.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course? He was perfecting his swing!
What’s for dinner Dad? Wookie steak.
Is it any good? It’s a little Chewie.
Why did the robot cross the road? It was carbon bonded to the chicken!
(told by the Robot in the 1998 Lost in Space movie 😄 )
Three cowboys were accused of robbing a glue factory.
They denied it, and are sticking to their guns.
Did you hear Godzilla attacked South Korea? Residents described events as Seoul-crushing.
How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it will take him five episodes.
What did Vegeta say when he got his tuition bill? “It’s over 9000”
Did you know Frieza wasn’t very popular in school? His brother was COOLER.
What do you call a hobbit party? A little get-together.
Bad jokes, dad jokes, whatever… the important thing is they’re terribly good!
How does a turkey travel?
By gravy train.
What did the turkey say to the hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
Quack, Quack!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
What’s black, white & dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why did the zombie do so well on the test?
It was a no-brainer.
Why didn’t the zombie get the job?
They wanted someone more lively!
What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up?
Who did the zombie take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Where does He-Man keep his towel?
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!
Why is it dark in Skeletor’s castle?
Because He-Man has the power.
The leading cause of death in the Underdark is Drow-ning.
What’s green, red, and bumps into walls?
A Goblin with forks in its eyes.
How do zombies eat computers? They use megabytes.
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
No bell… that’s why I knocked!
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Cool, okay, knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you doing partaking in such terrible jokes?
How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
Did you hear about the new book called “How to Survive Falling Down a Staircase”? It’s a step-by-step guide.
A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says what’ll ya have? Skeleton says I’ll take a beer and a mop.
Why don’t vampires use white-out when writing? They prefer type-Os.
What do you call a vampire with insomnia? Dust.
What happens when a vampire uploads a copyrighted video to YouTube?
A Count suspended.
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? ‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go moo!
Knock Knock. Who’s there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, YOU’RE a poo!
Astronomers got tired of watching the Moon go around the Earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.
Bad Joke formula = Dad Joke multiplied by the reverse hypotenuse of the punchline
How come when Picard says fire at will, no one blasts Riker?
Why did the Borg cross the road? To assimilate the chicken
What’s a pirate’s favorite Star Trek character? Tasha Yarrr
How do you stop from falling out of a Bird of Prey in Star Trek? You just have to Klingon
If Mr. Spock has pointed ears, what does Mr. Scott have? Engineers.
Why did the Klingon cross the road? To get to the other battle.
What’s a dog’s favorite action movie? Indiana Bones and the Raiders of the Lost Bark
A guy told me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” So I replied, “No it doesn’t.”
Did you hear James Bond slept through an earthquake? He was shaken but not stirred!
What sound does James Bond’s doorbell make? Dong. Ding Dong!
I just saw James Bond making burgers! Turns out he has a license to grill!
Why do astronauts use Linux? Because you can’t open Windows in space.
Why did the computer catch a cold? Someone left a window open.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never lands. I like this joke because it never grows old.
I made some fish tacos today. Turns out they don’t like Mexican food.
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball? If he raised them both, he’d fall down.
Where does the baseball player go when he needs to replace his uniform? New Jersey.
Why did the sausage quit playing baseball? Because he was the wurst on his team.
Dad jokes are the bad jokes and bad jokes are the dad jokes. Dear goodness, keep them coming!!